I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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