I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
