and i looked up. we had an audience...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
