So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
