i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
