i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
