I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
