I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Your dad touched me again.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
