i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
