i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
