Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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