If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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