Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
They have beer where we have blood.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize