I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
