I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
