Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We're too hungover to prance.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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