If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
