I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
