Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
