you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
