Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You have to summon your inner elephant
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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