your parents love me but you hate me
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
