after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
