i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Welp...herpes.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
