I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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