God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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