woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
