You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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