why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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