At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
