Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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