The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
