this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
