i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
