Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
