u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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