my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
