I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
