so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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