On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I smell like Dick and happiness
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