i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
