I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
