I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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