He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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