when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
