It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
