Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
