I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
