she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
