Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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