I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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