My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
